Random

Random things affect our thought process unconsciously. I have realized that when we are going through certain phase in life, we somehow start relating everything we see, read, watch to our situation. We see bits of pieces of it in everything. And how a simple movie can cause a havoc in your life. Because you start relating it. Before I saw more - As an after-thought it had nothing at all that i can relate to. But at that moment it made me restless & anxious. The pace of the movie made me uncomfortable. The storyline made me restless. That sounds & voices in it made me too anxious. It took me 2-3 days to get over that. If you ask me why - i have no answer to that. I find no reason to feel so or relate to that at all. I did like the movie after all. But watching it was - well, you know what!!

Similar thing happens while reading as well. Ofcourse not all the time. But sometimes.
Does it happen to you too?

Considering am writing about this 5 days after watching it shows, I still haven't gotten over that. And that is making me more uncomfortable. I watched other movies since then but strangely enough i can't even recall their names. Weird! Like often!

Reminder to self

You don’t feel like getting up. You don’t feel like taking shower. You start getting pains in shoulder, back and head. You lie down on couch for hours. Doing nothing. And you tell yourself- “oh you can do this sometimes, its Ok to do nothing sometimes.”
But then this becomes normal and repeated feeling.  And suddenly one day you start recognizing this. A feeling of deja-vu! This has happened before.
You pick up the signs.  Do you want to go back to the same place again? The dark lonely place. The place which keeps dragging you down and puts the blame on physical issues like pains and aches. The place where tears roll down without warning. The place where outsiders are not allowed. The place which only keeps getting darker. 

No no no no!
You remind yourself of that phase. You cannot go back to that. Noone would be able to bring you back if you go there again. You do not even have those saviors around anymore.  A lot of realization comes along with this thought.  Get up. Keep going. Don’t give power to that darkness to pull you down. 

~A reminder for self in times like this. 

Apology- a dilemma!

In a recent conversation with someone i realized how the most genuine intentions can also work negative and against us. 

As a common human behavior, people start defending their actions as soon as someone else points out their mistakes. Most often there are counter arguments at least for a while. In an attempt to defend themselves they even say hurtful things they probably don’t realize. But then for some reason - for example - to avoid further unnecessary discussion or to make situation calmer or to avoid turning the conversation more hurtful or for any other reason- the one who started the conversation just apologizes. Now the intention seems perfect on the face of it. But if you think deeper, is it the right way? Aren’t we just feeding the other person’s defense mechanism and making him feel he was right in his behavior and reaction to the situation? Aren’t we just giving that person more confidence in behaving a certain way when we know it wasn’t right and might not be acceptable in many situations? And to top it all - aren’t we demeaning ourselves by letting the person go on with a certain belief about who was at fault or not? 

Moreover one person’s apology doesn’t mean the other person was not at fault at all. 

So An apology may not be the correct way afterall. What would be the right way? To go on and on? Or To apologize but stand on your point? 

I wonder! 

Hawa ka jhonka

Ghangor hawa ka jhonka hai
Suno dil ne kya kya socha hai
Woh hasi bahut yaad aati hai
Awaaz ka jaadu aaj bhi hai
Mazaak tumhara lajawaab
Aur nakhre bahut hee bhaate hein
Woh madham madham gungunana
Aur holay holay muskurana
Hum aaj bhi aankhen band karein
To chehra wahi dikh jata hai
Iss dil mein pyaar jagaata hai
Khushi mein kitna rulata hai
Jab miloge tumko batana hai
Sara dil ka haal sunana hai
Thoda khud muskurana hai
Thoda tumko bhi hasana hai

Kyun yeh aana jana laga rakha hai

क्यों यह आना  जाना  लगा  रखा  है
कुछ  पल  रुको  इस  पार
कुछ  बातें हो  जाएँ
कुछ  तुम  अपनी  कहो
कुछ  हम  अपनी  सुनाएं
जानों  तो  सही
क्यों  यह  दिल  उदास  रहता  है
पूछो  तो  सही
क्या  नींद  यहाँ  आती  है
चलो  चुप  बैठे
कभी  सर  ही  हिला  देना
क्यों यह आना जाना लगा रखा है।


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Please do not copy without permission

To you...

Dear unknown,

There are countless random things that come to my mind and i feel i must share with you. Some i remember and some i forget after that moment is passed. Some good some bad. Sometimes those are just mundane daily life things.  You know like something i do, or something i watch, or just music. There is a different charm in sharing random stuff with you, even if it bores you to death - which probably it might do at times.  It's a strange phase in my life. I am not sure i should be happy or sad, should i be shedding tears or just laugh and smile on random moments of joy, Or should i just ignore and behave like nothing has changed in life!
Which one of these reactions will be normal?
What is right way to behave? 

And then arises the ques, should i reach out to people for help and guidance and advise or decide what feels right to me! What if my decisions are not the right ones? What if i am only thinking one aspect and not all? 
There are countless such "What - ifs.." which come to my mind every other minute.
What? How? When? ...too many unanswered questions out there!
Too many decisions to make!
Too much action to be taken!
Too much thinking to be done!

I wish I could sit together so I say out all loud to you. So i could hear back your thoughts.
Or may be we could just sit and have coffee in silence.
Sometimes!

Keeping the faith!
Me

When Snow flakes bring a message

For months, i am having major reading and writing block. I have been itching to write - something... anything - for a very long time ...but nothing would come out. No words, no inspiration, no ideas, no emotions. It's either been blank or too chaotic to sort out and give it any form. Infact no communication or sharing of thoughts has been happening for last few weeks. Some friends have been trying to reach out and talk - with little success. Some others stopped bothering or making an effort. Some i expected to be around and to go that extra mile and make some effort but in vain...and eventual pain. All that pushed me further inside the layers i had been building around already. Life became loaded with feelings of hurt, sadness and detachment.

This morning was different.

As i got down from bus to walk to the office, it started snowing. Those light tiny puffs of cotton falling from sky. I looked up and smiled. As much as i hate walking in rain, its completely opposite feeling in snow. I walked slowly. Smiling. And felt as if some load is being lifted off my chest. Those tiny soft flakes made my heart feel lighter. I wonder, how we keep looking for comfort in our loved ones and expecting them to be there. While the comfort can come in any form, from anywhere at any time. Universe sends signals in many ways! May be this is it!

May be its time to Let go!
Let go of old thoughts
Let go of the hurt
Let go of expectations
Let go of fears
Let go of anger
Let go of people i don't feel connected to
Let go of everything that's not letting me rise

The times now need me to focus. Prioritize and Focus!

Just look up, let go and feel light and bright!