Fear

"Your biggest source of happiness can be your greatest pain too because then you constantly live in the fear of losing them."

Read something like this a few days back and have been pondering ever since. And every single day i experienced and felt it. There are certain people we love deeply and their mere mention brings a bright smile. But the deeper this feeling the bigger is the fear of loosing them. That constant feeling of not having them around anymore or that heart wrenching thought of them leaving this world or just forgetting you and going away. There is a weird kind of painful feeling that takes over. You love them. You care for them. You adore them. But the fear lingers on at the back of your mind. And that at times makes you behave in unexpected ways. That fear, that pain makes you say things you know are only a passing thought fed by painful thoughts. And the more you let those feelings feed your thought process, the worse it all gets. And before you know that biggest happiness is not part of your life anymore. And that's exactly what i dread the most.
There are just a few people i love deeply and care for. They are my biggest or rather only happiness in life. But I constantly dread loosing them. I live in that fear day in day out. I always doubt that they will leave and go away. It's a vicious cycle. The more you worry the worse it feels. And this eventually reflects in your behavior. Apparently, it has nothing to with your trust in that person. I trust them with my life. I believe what is important here is to not let that fear stop you from loving them as much as you do.

We all need to live with certain amount of fear and faith. I guess they go hand in hand.

I'm nobody

While reading some poetry I came across this one and felt such a connection.
A deep heartfelt connection with nobody. The nobody whom I can feel, sense, talk to, laugh with, cry to, complain, blame, get angry at, take out my frustrations....and share every emotion I live each day.

Nobody - you are  my life, you are me!!

I like to live the life of nobody. Don't make me somebody. Somebody is easily forgotten. Somebody goes away, dies.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'M Nobody! Who Are You? 

- Poem by Emily Dickinson

I'm nobody! Who are you?
Are you nobody, too?
Then there's a pair of us -- don't tell!
They'd banish -- you know!

How dreary to be somebody!
How public like a frog
To tell one's name the livelong day
To an admiring bog! 

Emily Dickinson

Just A Letter.

Its just a letter. Addressed to no one in particular.

Only Because I felt like writing to someone but didn't know to whom. Names of some -  though few - of my closest and loveliest people came to my mind but considering how much i bug them already with my non-stop nonsense, it only made sense to spare them of this.

So if you ever read this - YES this is directed to YOU!
(And Yes i am sure you will understand its for you)

My dearest dearest you,

Life goes on...
We share some. We avoid some. We live some. And we regret some.
But no matter what we do and how we feel, it keeps going on!

And in this journey we miss out on tiny little smiles and tiny little "hellos".
It doesn't seem important.
We believe our loved ones know what we mean and feel. We don't feel its important to say a hello without any agenda in mind. We don't feel there is any need to let them know how much we love them just because we believe they know. How often do we drop a message telling them we miss them or are just thinking about them. Rarely! Just because we assume they know it. Or we just find it awkward to say so.

So today I am writing to you to say all that.

I Miss You!
More often than you can ever imagine. Everytime i watch something interesting I think about you. Everytime i make something nice, i want to show it to you. Everytime i listen to something which makes me smile or ponder, i want to tell you. Everytime i read anything new I think about you. Everytime i eat something and really like it, i want to send it over to you. Everytime i am sad and low I want you nearby. Everytime I feel like crying I want to be with you. Everytime I am happy and joyful I want to share it with you. No matter what - you are the one who comes to my mind and i want to share that moment with.

It's as simple and as complicated as that.

Quite often i feel like telling this to you but i am somehow scared of being judged as crazy and perhaps an emotional fool. Besides I don't want you to feel burdened because of how I feel.

I also want to tell you that I Love you! A Lot!

It's ironical that no one ever says that to me (I am not counting the times when I almost force people to say it to me...without actually giving them an option). I know you do love me but like someone said - sometimes I want an assurance in the form of words - written or spoken. To feel cared for and loved is a very basic emotional need of a human beings. It keeps us going.
So today i want to tell you that I love you and I care for you!

No matter how I behave at times, no matter how I seem to be - Remember and Believe that there's always love...abundant love! And no matter what - I will always be there for you.

Much love and countless smiles,
Me

Let-Go

For few weeks now all the posts and books I am reading triggered a chain of thoughts in me. After reading, for hours I am lost in thoughts - in comparing, in analyzing, in contemplating, in assuming, in anticipating and what not. The topics have been totally unrelated. Yet I somehow find them all connected. I feel that the universe is conspiring to give me some message. Perhaps to shake me up to see things in reality, in perspective. How we deal with emotions. How we react to situations. How we pretend to offer ourselves completely yet secretly keep a part hidden somewhere deep inside. How we take things for granted. How we get possessive about everything. How we show ownership. How we conveniently forget what we don't want to see. How we sympathize. And how we empathize.
How we let ourselves to get tormented and be in pain. How we chain and imprison ourselves. How we believe we cannot forget anything. How we choose to understand others better than understanding ourselves. How easily we loose balance of mind and life.

And All this is merely a tiny part in the grand scheme of things.

We give in. We forget that forgetting also takes time. It can take years to get over something or someone. But I think it does get easier. No one said Life is going to be easy, but the more you understand yourself, the easier it will get. And then very soon, you'll look back, laugh, and wonder: "What was I thinking?!"

I believe this is exactly what the universe is sending me signals about.

Can we defeat anything to gain back the balance? Can we find our way out of self inflicted torment and prison? I Believe - Yes. It just needs time, patience and real determination to let it go - which is the toughest task but not impossible. Allowing time to pass. Don't most things loose flavor with time! So do relationships and so do memories.

Ann Lander said - “Some people believe holding on and hanging in there are signs of great strength. However, there are times when it takes much more strength to know when to let go and then do it."

People and situations are going to affect you in ways you could never imagine are even possible. No matter how right or wrong they are, holding on too tight to anything will only finish you gradually. LET - GO!

As someone said - Sometimes you have to Let go and be free!!

Needs?

The talks

the chat

the gossip

the smiles

I miss them all

with you 

my dear friend

The fights

the drives

the movies

the food

I want it all

to revive

and last

The gifts

the cards

the calls

the mails

I wish for it all

to come back

for all

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

© 2014 Life Begins. Please DO NOT COPY.

Day 1 - MB2013

Another month starting

Another year almost ending

I sit back and ponder

How time is slipping away

Moment by moment

Day by day

Year by year

Countless memories

Laughter, tears & smiles

Some sadness curbed

Some happiness shared

Screaming, anger, frustration

Hopes, desires, achievements

All walking hand in hand

As i sit down to jot my life

Next phase of life awaits...

Zindagi

Khet khaliyanon mein guzarti yeh zindagi
Apni hee dhun mein chalti yeh zindagi
Har pal apna hee geet gaye
Inn palon mein ghulti jaye yeh zindagi

Tasveeron mein dabi dabi see yeh zindagi
Deewaron pe latki murjhayi see zindagi
Ik kone mein sajayi Guldaste see zindagi
Charon aur zindagi phir bhi sooni kyun zindagi

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

© 2012 Life Begins. Please DO NOT COPY.

If you are interested in more poetry here - here is the link

Connections on the way

It was few days back when I was reading the book -Tuesdays with Morrie by Mitch Albom.

I was standing near the door in metro on my way to work. I was completely engrossed in reading. Obvisouly there were lot of people standing around. Suddenly the man(around the age of 50 or so) standing next to me pointed that my bookmark had fallen down. I thanked him and picked it up. 

Here is how the conversation went after that...


Man - Are you liking the book you are reading?
Me : Oh yes - its quite nice and thought provoking.
Man : Yes i agree - I have lots of memories attached to this book. I have gone through similar experience.
Me : Oh Ok. *Smile* (Didn't know what else to say)
Man : This was the last book i read with my father. We had seen the movie together but had been wanting to read the book too. So we read it together in his last days.
Me : Oh ok. (Again I didn't know what else to say)
Man :  Infact I have helped many people after i read the book. It has lots of learn from.
Me : Yes indeed. Lots of lessons for life. And lots to ponder. Every sentence needs attention.
Man : Yes. I have read it many times and find new things each time. Lot of people have gained from that.
Me : umm...err...Is that somehow your profession or something? (I asked as he repeatedly mentioned he uses that to help people)
Man : Oh No no. I am a financial Analyst in a bank. The book has taught me so much that i have used that to help people around me. I just enjoy to share the thoughts.
Me : Ah. Thats very nice of you.
 *Meanwhile the last stop of metro was there and we had to get down to continue our journeys in our chosen directions*


Me : It was nice meeting you. Have a nice day.

Man ; Yes same here. I hope you like the book till the end and benifit from it as much as I did. Its worth every word. Have a nice day.


-----------------------------------
The whole day after that I kept thinking about the incident from the morning. How little things connect people. How people have such strong emotions attached to things around which many of us just take too casually. How much effect books can have on people. How much people value words. How books can connect people.........


And so much more....


It was perhaps a small incident which happened days ago but i still think about it. It triggers some series of thoughts.


I don't know what it was. I surely had a deeper impact coupled with that from the book.

Mindfull

So much to say so much to write
My mind can't decide which one is right
which one to scribble
which one to nibble
Words are playing a random game
don't know if its myself i can blame
The ball of thoughts rolls in my head
Bursting of them is what i dread
That load on shoulders that keeps me down
Seems one day they will push me & drown
Heart is crying and overflowing
Hoping for future to look bit glowing

© 2011 Life Begins. Please DO NOT COPY.

If you are interested in more poetry here - here is the link

30 something... - Post 17

Very very long time back I had read this somewhere and now have been thinking about it for many days.

It was written as "20 something..." but i realised a lot of it is applicable beyond that too. And perhaps its more befitting only now. As "30 something..."

Yes am talking about age... How it is to be 20 something and then 30 something.
20 something has been called "Quarter Life Crisis" by someone. I had these few lines saved.

I am quoting some here.For complete article read here

It's quarter life crisis...When...

"You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe,those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met, and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones.What you don't recognize is that they are realizing that too,and aren't really cold, catty, mean or insincere,but that they are as confused as you."

Isn't it valid at whatever age we are!

Unknown reasons - Post 16

That blue sky and that bright sun

temperatures soaring..

hearts beating

as she sits there

Gazing out of the window 

That secret gaze..

No more becoming 

the topic of laughter

It feels good

Today she is the point

a touch on that flying hair

and settling that shawl

Advise is flowing like waterfall

Talk sensible

And do not smile much

Sitting across from each other

a gaze is shared 

eyes meet 

she saw that smile vanishing

she sits there again

Near the window ...gazing outside

sky is dark

sun has set

Morning is far far away

She continues to be the laughing matter

what went wrong

Smiles only vanished

Talk never happened

© 2011 Life Begins. Please DO NOT COPY.

MAY BE - Post 1

I had this urge to go for NaBloPoMo this month but didn't see anyone participating so felt bit lonely and gave up the idea. And today i see Monika and a wonderful gang of girls in this and I just could not stay away. Ofcourse I want to :) :)

The theme for this month is "MAYBE"
and the prompt for today is "Talk about you feel about making decisions"

So here I start my first one with an impromptu poem...or just whats on my mind :)

Enjoy

I chose to pen down all this

because i wanted you to know

I am happy with your efforts

in helping me grow

for your never complaining nature

and for always being there

to tell me i deserve it

to show me you care

for that ever smiling face

and turning everything fun

so i can be happy

and make those sorrows run

I also want to tell you

I do get angry always

and say a lot that hurts

but do not mean that serious 

as its just an anger spurt

I want to tell you lot more

i also want to listen

I want to be there always 

and also want you to be there

MAYBE i will say it all

MAYBE i will hold you

And someday i will stand by you

And not let you ever fall

This MAYBE keeps life moving

and gives us that hope

someday we will do it all

without the need of proving

© 2011 Life Begins. Please DO NOT COPY.

Today Happiness to me is

Long time back i read a list like this somewhere (sorry cannot recall where). I felt so charged up after that that i felt I should do it myself someday. And believe me writing down these 10 things which  bring such happiness; was a great experience in itself. But note that this does not mean these are the only reaons to be happy in life. Life has much more in store only we need to stop and take the moment to pay attention. There can't be just 10 points to make up for all the happiness we witness everyday. If only we can make this a regular habit to ponder what happiness means to us, there will be smiles all around.

This is the reason the heading for this post says "Today Happiness to me is". I might have a totally different list tomorrow if i sit down again to write. (But that does not mean these reasons will not give me happiness anymore) This will stay and more will be added and the reasons to be happy will only be more and more.  

Happiness is…

A shy reaction plus a hug from the little angel in my life as soon as I enter home

Happiness is…

bright shiny sun later in the evening with time to sit on the newly owned swing in the garden.

Happiness is…

Longing to eat spinach, when one day I reach home after  work wondering what to cook for dinner– there is a lovely dinner ready to be eaten and the main dish is spinach exactly the way I love.

Happiness is…

Running late from home just to find out the train I wanted to catch is also delayed just enough for me to be in time for all further connections. ( Believe me it’s the best thing that can happen in the morning rush hour considering it takes me 1hr 45 min to travel to work)

Happiness is…

Getting a phone call from someone from home ( for me it will always be India) just when I am feeling depressed and low

Happiness is…

Waking up half an hour earlier than the alarm clock and feel all fresh and ready to start the new day(If i continue to sleep that half hours it feels like a bonus)

Happiness is…

Getting on the weighing scales after weeks dreading a huge weight gain esp after having done lot of binge eating and see the weight has actually fallen down

Happiness is…

Trying to fix a problem for whole week and not getting anywhere. And when its 5 minutes to leave on Friday evening – something you do suddenly works and solves not only that one issue but multiple issues (win win win)

Happiness is…

switching on the TV after days and see that your favourite movie is being played.

Happiness is…

Getting hold of the book you have been longing to read plus being able to take the time to read it the same day.

7-days to positivity

Preeti mentioned this wonderful way of adding some positivity in life. We always focus on all negative things happening around. Mind always takes us to whatever is not right. First thoughts about anything out of normal routine bring all negatives possible. We look up and see clouds only and totally miss that ray of light and that sun shining somewhere behind. And when it shines brightly, we look up and see the scorching heat rays only and pay no attention to the life flourishing around with that heat and shine.

So to remind myself of all that we usually miss out and be thankful for tiny smiles, i am taking up this 7-day challenge. For 7 days now i am going to smile and feel good about everything that goes unnoticed but can actually be uplifting. Afterall what matters in the end is the happiness we felt and smiles we shared in this journey called life.

Here goes my list for today -

1. I am happy to get that email from my sis early morning as my open my inbox.
2. Enjoyed lovely sushi for lunch with 2 friends. 
3. Was happy to have left that extra pair of sandals at work yesterday. I could wear them today after my feet got sore in high heels :)
4. I felt grateful for feeling full with having only half the quantity of food I usually eat. ( Someone trying to loose weight can understand that pleasure)
5. I am thankful for that extra time in the morning because of which i could alter my new pair of triusers and wear them today :) ( How cool is that)

WOW...am feeling all charged up

GO..think again and be happy :)

I did it !! :) (Day 30)

Photos taken in Luxembourg in Jan 2007

:) :) :)
YOOHOOO....finished the June NaBloPoMo.
I am so happy with this accomplishment. It's not just about writing because so many times it was not a quality post(atleast i think so). i am amazed - How i would take time out to post every single day, How the thought of it remained in my mind all day, How I could keep up with the promise ! I am very glad and satisfied with this. (Not that i had many readers but still ok :) ) (Patting my back non-stop)

Let's celebrate my first ever month of posting regularly with this cake :)

And some flowers for the summer cheer...

This month made me better in so many thing

I regained my confidence that if I really commit I will be able to keep up to it.

I learned that if you really want to do something you will always find time for it no matter what.

I realised that spending that hr or half an hour every evening or so gives lot of time to think about things close to heart. You do not need a proper fixed time for that.

I felt that connection with the world which is actually physically miles and miles apart.

I liked the idea of sharing small-tiny achievements of life with the unknown world.

And Yes - my blog followership doubled :) it became 8 from 4 :) :)

Thanks a lot to everyone who took out the time to visit this blog, read and leave a comment too. :) I appreciate it a lot.

I will take 2 weeks break from now and come back with some nice posts after our vacation.

ciao ciao !!

Power of words (Day 25)

Moments of pleasure

come and bring joy

smiles are shared

cheer is spread

some get captured in words

to last forever

Ages later

words get deciphered

moments are relived

by another soul

another life

smiles are shared

cheer is spread

words... 

So is the power 

Of the words from the past

extolling the glory

forever they last

(c) Do not copy. Please ask before using it.

Image courtesy : http://fysop.wordpress.com/

The rest of our life... (Day 24)

Life is all about ups and downs-sometimes it makes u feel the happiest and the greatest in the world and next moment u feel like the most unfortunate one on earth.

It's all about balance And there is the need for a proper balance in everything in life..Just everything...

I always wondered why am i the one always picked up for all the bad happenings in life until I started paying more attention to the good-happy moments too.And i realised that at those rejoicing moments i actually get the maximum possible happiness...It might not last like that forever but the traces stay on. Learn to count those moments rather than the ones which cause pain and break u into pieces...

Faith is the strongest power. Keep the faith and u would win over every situation.

It is not about having lots of friends or a lover or a partner to be there by your side throughout that roller coaster ride that u are on...It's about holding tight to that seat and not letting yourself fall off. You need that inner strength- strength to keep holding on to your beliefs and faith and to the hope that u would soon come out of it safely and smiling.

It's on us to decide what kind of life we want to have - an average one where people will have to spend sometime to remember who we were or the one that would bring smiles on faces at our mere mention. And this all is possile with how much smiles we spread in our life. How much smiles we spread around depends on how much we believe in ourself and rejoice in every single moment.

There are reasons to smile all around us....a child's smile, a beautiful sun or a cloud with a silver line, some giggle, colorful flowers, raindrops, those busy streets with people laughing, shops full of things we love, that sale somewhere on our favorite store, that new favorite food restaurant just around the corner, a phone call from home, an email from friend, favorite player scoring a goal in soccer, weekend after every few days :), those flights to book for vacation, that countdown to visiting home.

Look around and you will have many reasons to smile and be happy !!

Change (Day 12)

Most of my posts till now have been around THEN and NOW situation.


I get a strange feeling when I suddenly remember all the things from “THEN” and compare them to how they are “NOW” How things change with time ! How people change! How habits change! How tastes change ! How opinions change! How friendships change ! How relationships change ! When I say “change” I do not mean negative or positive of any of these. I am not implying that all these have changed to become bad or worse or negative in any sense. Change as one gets older is - as you all know - known as growth. People change as they grow. So may be we can say it as - they do not change but they grow. They become more sensible to things and other elements of life (atleast I choose to believe they become sensible – you have all the right to differ from my opinion) I would still take all this as a change.

Some changes are for better , others are for worse.

The reality is that changes are coming... They must come. You must share in bringing them.

~John Hersey~

Somewhere on this path of growth, we leave behind what we thought we were and walk towards becoming something else. Everything on the way – knowingly or unknowingly - influences how we grow or what we become. Million factors influence the change.

And what I believe is – every change is for a purpose. What that purpose is - is for you to discover. Important is to embrace a change rather then detesting it.

William Shakespeare said

We know what we are, but know not what we may be.

Doing Learning Doing (Day 11)

There are things which cannot be learned quickly, and time, which is all we have, must be paid heavily for their acquiring. They are the very simplest things, and because it takes a man’s life to  know them the little new that each man gets from life is very costly and the only heritage he has to leave. – Ernest Hemingway

One beautiful day - I became a MOTHER.  And the world changed. Atleast I thought I became mother. It was no later that I realized “becoming a mother is a life long process”  You learn being a mother with every passing day.

No one tells you how unnerving it can get at times. How “out-of-control” being a mother can be at times. How being a mother means lot more than  just  that word. The word “Mother”  engulfes within itself the depth of ocean and the vastness of universe. Noone just becomes a mother – you learn being a mother by being there and by going through all the over-flowing emotions (Yes  only a mother can experience that level of emotions) The unconditional love – Had heard this word many times but I only got to experience this when I became a mother.  You do things and you learn – that’s how mothers grow.  It takes lifetime to learn being a mother.

Patience, Love, Care, Multitasking, cooking, singing, painting,  writing, reading, story making – all – absolutely all “virtues” are developed in the process of becoming a mother. Of course you master at least few of them as you grow.

If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?  ~Milton Berle

Isn't it such an apt question ? :)

The process of becoming mother lets you have so many new experiences. You learn to experience love and pain  with equal intensity and also what it is like to experience these through another life. In the process you learn things  that hurt, things that delight, things that cheer, things that confuse, things that are memorable, things that are warming and things that are cold, things that are huge and things that are small, things that are unconditional and things that just happen.

And each one of these becomes a precious treasure.

What a win-win situation !!

Que Sera Sera (Day 8)

Que Sera Sera

When I was just a little girl

I asked my mother, what will I be

Will I be pretty, will I be rich

Here's what she said to me.

Que Sera, Sera,

Whatever will be, will be

The future's not ours, to see

Que Sera, Sera

What will be, will be.

When I was young, I fell in love

I asked my sweetheart what lies ahead

Will we have rainbows, day after day

Here's what my sweetheart said.

Que Sera, Sera,

Whatever will be, will be

The future's not ours, to see

Que Sera, Sera

What will be, will be.

Now I have children of my own

They ask their mother, what will I be

Will I be handsome, will I be rich

I tell them tenderly.

Que Sera, Sera,

Whatever will be, will be

The future's not ours, to see

Que Sera, Sera

What will be, will be.

If you have not heard this song - go and listen

How all our life we worry about what's going to happen next. We worry about just everything in and around us. We worry about our things, we worry about people, we worry about futurof everything. And the worry gives birth to never ending what-ifs.

Wikipedia says - "Worry is thoughts and images of a negative nature in which mental attempts are made to avoid anticipated potential threats"

My personal opinion is that little bit of worrying is necessary to move on in life and to get into ac tion to shape our future. But just worrying and not doing anything about it is what is total useless and mere wastage of lifetime. I believe that whatever happens , happens for good ! Sharing worries gets solutions and actions. Too much constant worrying can lead to permanent health disorders. We have this most awesome gift of life. Let's worry just enough to make this journey a smooth and satisfying experience and not waste this opportunity.

Let's all sing once -

Don't worry be happy

In every life we have some trouble

When you worry you make it double

Don't worry, be happy......

 

Listen  here

 

Image Courtesy :http://www.redstaplerchronicles.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/02/Dont_Worry_Be_Happy.jpg