"...I am caught between a strong mind and a fragile heart"
It's a very tough place to be in. It hurts like hell and you can only get it if you experience it. No it has nothing to do with anyone else's presence or absence in life. It's like chasing something you are not even sure exists. It's like trying to hold tight some fragrant air. It's like constantly fighting with yourself.
Longing for something which is far from existence. Love so strong and deep that it doesn't let you sleep. The fear of falling asleep and dreaming...
Dreaming of nothingness!
Strong mind keeps pulling you back with all the reasoning and facts. Heart makes you cry and it makes you laugh and at times it makes you embarrass yourself. Its a continuous tug of war.
In all this, I struggle to find my own moment where none of this matters. Why am i obligated to sit back and smile and let everything happening around pile up on me.
Perhaps the problem is not in the depth of love i feel. Its having no control over the intensity of the feeling and no control over who and what i feel that for!
How should i spend my life? Doubting? Questioning? Regretting? Hating? Loving? Braving it all? Ignoring? Letting go?
I know I don't want to get stuck. So i will live on. I know it will get exhausting at times. I would still feel like giving up and will just lie down. But i know i will rise. The love will stay. And the love - however tough & heavy it keeps getting - will keep me alive.