Self Pondering

Monday, October 17, 2016

No rule book??

There comes a time when nothing sounds right and nothing seems wrong either. No ideas make sense. No amount of preaching sounds convincing enough. No one's opinion adds to any clarity. Your own mind plays games and refuses to sit still. Your heart keeps pushing you all around. 
Why isn't there a rule book for clearing your thoughts- like a step by step guide Or a life's hacks for dummies. 

Go with the flow! How do you make sure you don't drown on the way! How do you keep floating! How do you know where you are heading!

It's a maze when one has to keep trying to find the way out. Or is it just a temporary overcast and soon everything will get clear and bright. 


Wednesday, October 12, 2016

To do - wish list

For few days a lot is going on in my mind. Getting all kinds of ideas about things I would like to do. Things can give pleasure. I like doing creative work. I enjoy making things. I love creating. 
So i just thought let me list down some ...

1. Sew a dress for my daughter 
2. Sew a dress for myself 
3. Make a painting for own room
4. Crochet a scarf -> this is one thing I don't know at all. Have never done it. 
5. Hand paint a vase and some boxes.  Have done this in childhood. Would like to do it again. 

Don't know when I would do any of these. I lack motivation big time. I get all excited about doing things but loose interest even before starting it. These wishes have been in mind for quite sometime. Let's see how and when am i able to cross out any of these. 

Sunday, October 2, 2016


Sometimes saying "miss you" is not enough to explain the real feeling. The words don't sound enough to convey  the depth of what you are actually experiencing. Nothing comes close to it. 
I wish there was some way to convey the emotions with the same strength as you feel them. 

Like - missing someone so much that it hurts one moment, makes you cry the other moment and then suddenly fills you up with gratitude for all the beautiful memories of that person. Experiencing all this and much more with intense depth in a short span of time. 

All this when sometimes the person is actually close by and/or in regular touch. Or Sometimes its also that you talk often and/or you even meet often yet the overwhelming feeling of missing them at a particular moment. 
Complex - isn't it? 
How do you explain this!!!!

So i will just leave it at -

I miss you! 

Hope you read this and understand the depth of it as well. 

Friday, September 30, 2016

Beyond words

Because there comes a time when you have countless things to say but you go quiet. Nothing comes out. Your heart and your mind struggle to say it all- some anger, some happiness, some disappointment and some love. To tell it all in one go. But no words form. You are left with that struggle in your head. 
You go over each emotion and try to give it words. 
In vain. 
You try to justify yourself. 
Reaching nowhere
You want to explain. 

You secretly wish your silence could be understood. You wish your thoughts transfer to the other person on their own with the true right meaning. 

Fight goes on. 
Because wishes too require action. 
And action takes efforts. 
And efforts take courage. 
And courage takes heart-mind sync. 

I am hoping. 
I am waiting. 
I am struggling. 

Thursday, September 29, 2016


Memories. Moments. Thoughts. 
Such and more. 

Everything gets locked up in a seperate container in our little brain. Some for years long. Some just for days. And it takes a tiny trigger to get the box opened and let that all spillover. 

Sometimes you know and recognise those memories right away. And other times you are unable to put your finger on what exactly is it. What's about that memory box that starts bothering you in a split second. It makes you uncomfortable. It even makes you cry. At times it makes you start missing someone who has no connection at all to that memory. 

A small conversation with a friend did exactly that to me. I feel the discomfort. I feel weird. So much so that I feel physically unwell. I am unable to explain this to myself. I cannot put my finger on what memory that talk triggered. 

It's that lost-in-the-woods-without-any-maps feeling.