Monday, January 2, 2017

Saudade

Saudade is a word that came from Portuguese, Galician and Spanish. It best describes a deep emotional state of nostalgia and melancholy. It is the extreme longing for an absent something or someone you love. Additionally, saudade usually often carries a repressed knowledge and worries that someone or something may never return.
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 "Memory of something with a strong desire for it."




Friday, December 2, 2016

Mixed

In a single day I experience varied emotions - happy, sad, tense, smiling, crying, laughing, annoyed. It's all what makes my day. The same circumstance can trigger a different mood each day.
It's the same as relationships. I feel all such extreme emotions with respect to people too. In a single day i will feel full of love for them and I would also get awfully upset with them. Imagine this level of variation - I can go from - being willing to give my life for someone to taking their life - kind-of-state - in a matter of few hours....AND NO - i have never actually gone that far as to hit or harm anyone. 

"From the outside looking in, it's hard to understand. 
From the inside looking out, it's hard to explain." 

That's how I have been for along time now. I would feel varied emotions sometimes surprising even myself. If i felt sad i could not just snap out of it and start feeling better because i could not pin-point a reason for that. This bothered me even more. Still does! I feel this is some kind of problem. It's hard to explain. And it's even harder to understand.

I feel the number of people suffering from such issues is huge - perhaps much higher than we can anticipate. And worse is that half of them don't even get to know whats going on! Everyone around keeps telling them to cheer up and stop being what they are going through.
I can very well relate to this. Family and friends say all motivating things to make me feel good besides showing me that they are with me and supporting me. It helps but briefly. At times it works opposite as well. That - do this do that - kind of pep talk is what i detest the most. That makes me feel inadequate. Why do they assume i wouldn't have tried or done anything at all!
And I am at loss of words ...like many times before.
And my mixed thoughts fail to sort themselves out to make sense.
And I feel lost
I feel stuck
I feel nowhere

Thursday, October 27, 2016

Trance

HELLO!
Can you hear me?
Am falling...
falling in a trance
unconscious ...
involuntarily
staring in oblivion
at that chaos
numb toes
hypnotic state
dazed mind
calm waters
silent oppression


where spirits start to speak




Monday, October 17, 2016

No rule book??

There comes a time when nothing sounds right and nothing seems wrong either. No ideas make sense. No amount of preaching sounds convincing enough. No one's opinion adds to any clarity. Your own mind plays games and refuses to sit still. Your heart keeps pushing you all around. 
Why isn't there a rule book for clearing your thoughts- like a step by step guide Or a life's hacks for dummies. 

Go with the flow! How do you make sure you don't drown on the way! How do you keep floating! How do you know where you are heading!

It's a maze when one has to keep trying to find the way out. Or is it just a temporary overcast and soon everything will get clear and bright. 

Lost! 

Wednesday, October 12, 2016

To do - wish list

For few days a lot is going on in my mind. Getting all kinds of ideas about things I would like to do. Things can give pleasure. I like doing creative work. I enjoy making things. I love creating. 
So i just thought let me list down some ...

1. Sew a dress for my daughter 
2. Sew a dress for myself 
3. Make a painting for own room
4. Crochet a scarf -> this is one thing I don't know at all. Have never done it. 
5. Hand paint a vase and some boxes.  Have done this in childhood. Would like to do it again. 

Don't know when I would do any of these. I lack motivation big time. I get all excited about doing things but loose interest even before starting it. These wishes have been in mind for quite sometime. Let's see how and when am i able to cross out any of these.