Misery of expectations

Expectations are like suicide by slow poisoning yourself. How much do we humans expect from each other. Every relationship we build is based on some expectations - conscious or unconscious. I am helping you with your problem so I expect you to help me out with mine. And more often than not this is the biggest cause for all the misery. 

Quite often when our expectations from others are not met we actually forget our real problem and get more affected by that instead. How could he/she do that! I expected you to help me. I expected you to be there and offer support. Etc. Etc. Etc. 

Unfortunately this happens in all the relationships we have. Expectations is the root cause of differences that make a relationship weak and drifting us apart. 

But is it wrong to expect something from your loved ones? Is it wrong to expect them to be there for you like you do for them? Is it wrong to expect? 

If i can offer something, why can't I expect that back? 

This confuses me and leaves me sad. 

Every time I face this I gather myself and believe I won't get affected anymore. But it hits harder every time. 

We humans cannot live without digging pits for ourselves. We love, we trust, we provide and we expect all this in return. And loose faith in relationships each time this is not met. 

Simplicity is surely not one of my virtues. I tend to complicate everything. And then find a reason to nag! 

Ah Life!

Goes on!

Perhaps!

Be Right

A little hug
In that moment of despair
Is it "I love you"
Or is it "I am sorry"?
A silent company
In the most troubling moment
Is it "I am with you"
Or is it "I have nothing to say"?
A cheer up message
In the saddest moment
Is it "am thinking about you"
Or is it "Get over it"?

Mixed emotions
Mixed behaviors
Is one more right than another
Or
Is one of them plain wrong?

Some make the heart cry
some make the head spin

Be a friend, a lover or life

Just be the reason the life feels right.

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© 2015 Life Begins. Please DO NOT COPY

Just A Letter.

Its just a letter. Addressed to no one in particular.

Only Because I felt like writing to someone but didn't know to whom. Names of some -  though few - of my closest and loveliest people came to my mind but considering how much i bug them already with my non-stop nonsense, it only made sense to spare them of this.

So if you ever read this - YES this is directed to YOU!
(And Yes i am sure you will understand its for you)

My dearest dearest you,

Life goes on...
We share some. We avoid some. We live some. And we regret some.
But no matter what we do and how we feel, it keeps going on!

And in this journey we miss out on tiny little smiles and tiny little "hellos".
It doesn't seem important.
We believe our loved ones know what we mean and feel. We don't feel its important to say a hello without any agenda in mind. We don't feel there is any need to let them know how much we love them just because we believe they know. How often do we drop a message telling them we miss them or are just thinking about them. Rarely! Just because we assume they know it. Or we just find it awkward to say so.

So today I am writing to you to say all that.

I Miss You!
More often than you can ever imagine. Everytime i watch something interesting I think about you. Everytime i make something nice, i want to show it to you. Everytime i listen to something which makes me smile or ponder, i want to tell you. Everytime i read anything new I think about you. Everytime i eat something and really like it, i want to send it over to you. Everytime i am sad and low I want you nearby. Everytime I feel like crying I want to be with you. Everytime I am happy and joyful I want to share it with you. No matter what - you are the one who comes to my mind and i want to share that moment with.

It's as simple and as complicated as that.

Quite often i feel like telling this to you but i am somehow scared of being judged as crazy and perhaps an emotional fool. Besides I don't want you to feel burdened because of how I feel.

I also want to tell you that I Love you! A Lot!

It's ironical that no one ever says that to me (I am not counting the times when I almost force people to say it to me...without actually giving them an option). I know you do love me but like someone said - sometimes I want an assurance in the form of words - written or spoken. To feel cared for and loved is a very basic emotional need of a human beings. It keeps us going.
So today i want to tell you that I love you and I care for you!

No matter how I behave at times, no matter how I seem to be - Remember and Believe that there's always love...abundant love! And no matter what - I will always be there for you.

Much love and countless smiles,
Me

Neend... Bach ke nikal jati hai!

Neend kuch yun bach ke nikal jati hai 

Khamoshi jo kho gayi si lagti hai

Raat ke andhiyare mein 

Kash-ma-kash zehan mein  

Intezaar hai kisi anjane pal ka 

Waqt guzarta chale 

Jaise anjaan koi thaamna chah raha ho 

Thori garmaish, thori thand 

Din kuch palon se lamba

Jism dard se jyada dard mein 

Phir bhi...

Neend bach ke nikal jati hai 

Aur khamoshi kee aawaazein 

Zehan mein dabi bethi hein kahin 

Thaki hue see

Neend ke intezaar mein

Kahin duur khawabon mein dhoob jane ko

Uss khamosh pal mein

Kho jaun jahan mein apne hee khayalon mein

Kuch khamoshi

Kuch aaraam

Kuch khawab

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© 2015 Life Begins. Please DO NOT COPY

Oh!

Oh the thumping head
and the crying heart
calm down
for this is not heard
This engulfing sadness
and drowning thoughts
Embrace the loneliness
for that's what is yours'.

Oh silent winds
and the thunderous sunshine
leave me
for this is not felt
The silence that kills
and the emptiness within
Let the clouds scream
and rain wash away the pain.

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© 2015 Life Begins. Please DO NOT COPY

Are you really helping?

" The researchers, from the University of Waterloo and Wilfrid Laurier University, ran a bunch of experiments involving how to best support people with different levels of self-esteem. They found that so-called "positive reframing", which, as the name suggests, is an attempt to put negative events in their "proper" perspective, not only doesn't resonate with people with low self-esteem, but can actually fully backfire and make the "comforter" feel worse about themselves because their comforting is not working, potentially damaging their relationship with the person they're trying to comfort.

"Source : nymag.com

This got me thinking. Like real deep thinking…which went on for weeks…almost months.
What was I thinking? Or Did I even think? Yes – loads. Day and Night – non-stop!

Despite believing my understanding -  I ended up using the typical – “positive reframing” way to deal with the situation.  I guess we all do that. That’s the default way of dealing with a situation. We try to show the positive side of everything to someone in distress. It may or may not work. I am not saying it’s the wrong way of dealing. But we need to understand the situation before we bombard someone in distress – may be depression and anxiety or just low mood - with “Get over it”, “It’s not that bad” kind of reactions. There's a plethora of encouraging phrases most people turn to when trying to cheer up a friend or loved one.

I am guilty too.

I understood it the hard way. I had to introspect. I had to research. I had to read – loads. I had to experience it myself.  Then only I could understand the difference and impact of “positive reframing” and "Negative validation". I am still struggling with differentiating between varied reactions that pop into my mind in real life situations. I still struggle with deciding on what’s right and what not. And more often than not I end up saying something which is not very welcome at that moment. But I am learning.

"Negative validation" — that is, "support behaviors that communicate that the feelings, actions, or responses of the recipient are normal and appropriate to the situation" — did resonate with people with low self-esteem."

"Negative validation" - is the way to be when you know your partner/friend needs more than just a ray of light to get her going . In such cases, the impact the “positive reframing” leaves is way worse and pushes away the person or leads to an invisible wall in between. Saying a “Cheer-up” turns out to be most negative thing to say at certain times. It might encompass the deepest and most genuine concerns you might have yet it backfires. You would most probably be left shattered and in tears at such times. But give it a moment and try to understand where it was coming from. It may sound a little counter-intuitive that some people would prefer not to be cheered up, but it really does make sense. Every negative event in their life seems to them as a reflection of their self worth. Hence any effort of telling them its not that bad may actually seem like a criticism of their own perceptions or feelings.

If you are the one in dip - this doesn't mean the friends or family trying to cheer you up are bad friends or partners, or that they lack empathy. In their favor - It can be exhausting dealing with someone who “appears” to simply refuse to feel better. In no way does that show people don’t care about each other. In no way does that reflect that the person doesn't understand your situation. Do not shoo them away for not being understanding enough.

How often have you been tempted to just say – Get over it. It will get better tomorrow! It’s a natural reaction when you see your loved one worrying about a past event or dreading a future one. On other side – its also natural that people are more inclined to think more negative and poorly about themselves in any given situation. And even more so - if they are going through a bad phase.

So when a loved one is having a rough phase (not in case its just a day once in a while), avoid telling him/her that things aren't so bad. The truth is if they feel its bad, its bad for them in some way. So what is appropriate is to just affirm that he/she has the reason to feel the way he  feels. On the contrary, if you’re the one who’d rather not get any preaching, try to gently explain to your loved ones that what you really need is some sympathy and confirmation through a rough patch, rather than well-intentioned attempts to counteract it.


References:
www.thedoctorwillseeyounow.com/
www.nymag.com
www.mayoclinic.org
www.helpguide.org

Silence

Some words are so empty
they don't mean a thing
and the pain is so deep
it no longer makes you cringe
The silence kills slowly
and promises fade away too
the sky turns grey
and nothing seems to stay
All thoughts flash by in mind
and moments play over again
Every word rings in ear
and shatters everything dear
Time will keep testing
and hurdles popping up too
Yet nothing seems worth a tear
'coz i know you are near
In times like these and more
when silence is the only truth
I will let me be myself
and resign to love we share

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© 2015 Life Begins. Please DO NOT COPY