Mixed

In a single day I experience varied emotions - happy, sad, tense, smiling, crying, laughing, annoyed. It's all what makes my day. The same circumstance can trigger a different mood each day.
It's the same as relationships. I feel all such extreme emotions with respect to people too. In a single day i will feel full of love for them and I would also get awfully upset with them. Imagine this level of variation - I can go from - being willing to give my life for someone to taking their life - kind-of-state - in a matter of few hours....AND NO - i have never actually gone that far as to hit or harm anyone. 

"From the outside looking in, it's hard to understand. 

From the inside looking out, it's hard to explain." 

That's how I have been for along time now. I would feel varied emotions sometimes surprising even myself. If i felt sad i could not just snap out of it and start feeling better because i could not pin-point a reason for that. This bothered me even more. Still does! I feel this is some kind of problem. It's hard to explain. And it's even harder to understand.

I feel the number of people suffering from such issues is huge - perhaps much higher than we can anticipate. And worse is that half of them don't even get to know whats going on! Everyone around keeps telling them to cheer up and stop being what they are going through.
I can very well relate to this. Family and friends say all motivating things to make me feel good besides showing me that they are with me and supporting me. It helps but briefly. At times it works opposite as well. That - do this do that - kind of pep talk is what i detest the most. That makes me feel inadequate. Why do they assume i wouldn't have tried or done anything at all!

And I am at loss of words ...like many times before.

And my mixed thoughts fail to sort themselves out to make sense.

And I feel lost

I feel stuck

I feel nowhere

Trance

HELLO!
Can you hear me?
Am falling...
falling in a trance
unconscious ...
involuntarily
staring in oblivion
at that chaos
numb toes
hypnotic state
dazed mind
calm waters
silent oppression


where spirits start to speak

Memories

Sigh!!!

"Where do memories go when a relationship ends? Sometimes they stay buried in countless hours of chats, archived neatly. Sometimes they are trapped in photos, stored in an external hard-drive. They are scattered in gifts bought, perfumes used and songs you have dedicated to each other. And sometimes they stay deep, deep down within your heart, popping up inconveniently when you least expect them, taking over your very soul, and you live through the destruction yet another time." 

from - "It's All In The Planets" by Preeti Shenoy

No rule book??

There comes a time when nothing sounds right and nothing seems wrong either. No ideas make sense. No amount of preaching sounds convincing enough. No one's opinion adds to any clarity. Your own mind plays games and refuses to sit still. Your heart keeps pushing you all around. 

Why isn't there a rule book for clearing your thoughts- like a step by step guide Or a life's hacks for dummies. 

Go with the flow! How do you make sure you don't drown on the way! How do you keep floating! How do you know where you are heading!

It's a maze when one has to keep trying to find the way out. Or is it just a temporary overcast and soon everything will get clear and bright. 

Lost! 

To do - wish list

For few days a lot is going on in my mind. Getting all kinds of ideas about things I would like to do. Things can give pleasure. I like doing creative work. I enjoy making things. I love creating. 

So i just thought let me list down some ...

1. Sew a dress for my daughter 

2. Sew a dress for myself 

3. Make a painting for own room

4. Crochet a scarf -> this is one thing I don't know at all. Have never done it. 

5. Hand paint a vase and some boxes.  Have done this in childhood. Would like to do it again. 

Don't know when I would do any of these. I lack motivation big time. I get all excited about doing things but loose interest even before starting it. These wishes have been in mind for quite sometime. Let's see how and when am i able to cross out any of these. 

Just say you care

Source : http://www.thesilverpen.com

Missing

Sometimes saying "miss you" is not enough to explain the real feeling. The words don't sound enough to convey  the depth of what you are actually experiencing. Nothing comes close to it. 

I wish there was some way to convey the emotions with the same strength as you feel them. 

Like - missing someone so much that it hurts one moment, makes you cry the other moment and then suddenly fills you up with gratitude for all the beautiful memories of that person. Experiencing all this and much more with intense depth in a short span of time. 

All this when sometimes the person is actually close by and/or in regular touch. Or Sometimes its also that you talk often and/or you even meet often yet the overwhelming feeling of missing them at a particular moment. 

Complex - isn't it? 

How do you explain this!!!!

So i will just leave it at -

I miss you! 

Hope you read this and understand the depth of it as well. 

Beyond words

Because there comes a time when you have countless things to say but you go quiet. Nothing comes out. Your heart and your mind struggle to say it all- some anger, some happiness, some disappointment and some love. To tell it all in one go. But no words form. You are left with that struggle in your head. 

You go over each emotion and try to give it words. 

In vain. 

You try to justify yourself. 

Reaching nowhere. 

You want to explain. 

Fail.

You secretly wish your silence could be understood. You wish your thoughts transfer to the other person on their own with the true right meaning. 

Fight goes on. 

Because wishes too require action. 

And action takes efforts. 

And efforts take courage. 

And courage takes heart-mind sync. 

I am hoping. 

I am waiting. 

I am struggling. 

Locked

Memories. Moments. Thoughts. 

Such and more. 

Situations. 

Everything gets locked up in a seperate container in our little brain. Some for years long. Some just for days. And it takes a tiny trigger to get the box opened and let that all spillover. 

Sometimes you know and recognise those memories right away. And other times you are unable to put your finger on what exactly is it. What's about that memory box that starts bothering you in a split second. It makes you uncomfortable. It even makes you cry. At times it makes you start missing someone who has no connection at all to that memory. 

A small conversation with a friend did exactly that to me. I feel the discomfort. I feel weird. So much so that I feel physically unwell. I am unable to explain this to myself. I cannot put my finger on what memory that talk triggered. 

It's that lost-in-the-woods-without-any-maps feeling. 

Just

People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. When you figure out which one it is, you will know what to do for each person. When someone is in your life for a REASON . . . It is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend, and they are! They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrong doing on your part, or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end .Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered. And now it is time to move on.

When people come into your life for a SEASON . . .Because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They bring you an experience of peace, or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person, and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.

Copied from: (source) http://lessonslearnedinlife.com/people-come-into-your-life-for-a-reason-a-season-or-a-lifetime-2/

Change for good

Life and its moments. They will change you. Change if you must but for good. Get stronger. Get wiser. Get smarter. Get kinder.

Pain pain go away

Pain pain go away
Whoever told you that you could stay
Ruining my life, creating my fears
Making me weak as I cry these tears
I never wanted you to live
In my body, I have so much to give
You lingering will make me lose
Life or relief, that's what I choose
You twist my vision, you make me cry
Wonder out of everyone, why
You settle in and make yourself at home
While I want to bolt out and roam
Pain pain go away
Don't come back and please don't stay
Cause ever since you've settled in my head
I have wished that I was dead.

----------------------------------
Poem by Emma Chatonoir. THANKS!
Hellopoetry.com
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Because some words sound too much like coming out of your own head.
Because some feelings you cannot put in words yourself.
Because some thoughts need someone else's way of letting them out.
Because not everyone is adequate and capable.

Because life isn't fair

Because life isn't fair

You will fall

Repeatedly. 

More than you can think. 

You will get up

Repeatedly. 

More than you can believe. 

A smile sometimes

And some tears too. 

With a shoulder to lean on

And lonely too. 

Holding some hands

Letting go off some. 

Because life isn't fair. 

Decide

Source : Rupi Kaur

http://instagram.com/rupikaur_

If you don't know her, you need to go NOW and read her poetry. Soul stirring!! 

Where have you gone?

Oh my dearest....

Where have you gone!

The best one. 

I could confide in. 

Trust. 

Talk to. 

Laugh with. 

Or be silent. 

Believing in each other...

And being close

Remember?

The emotions!

The feelings! 

The times...

Good and bad! 

Oh my dearest 

Where have you gone!

Not friend. 

Not enemy. 

Just countless memories. 

Memories

I came across this post on instagram by Anchal. I read it over and over... Many times over. It made me cry. And it made me smile. I felt a hurricane of emotions in this much piece. 

With her permission, i took screenshot of her post to save if here. 

Here is her instagram page:

http://instagram.com/aanch_m

Just.

Source: http://media-cache-ec0.pinimg.com/750x/40/31/64/403164603249c8921713577ecd1f57de.jpg

A song i have been humming for many days now...for reasons that i will keep to myself :D :D
-----------------------------------

 Lag ja gale ki phir
 Ye hasin raat ho na ho
 Shayad phir is janam mein
 Mulakat ho na ho
 Lag jaa gale se
 
 Hum ko mili hai aaj
 Ye ghadiyan naseeb se
 Jee bhar ke dekh leejiye
 Hamko kareeb se
 Phir aapke naseeb mein
 Ye raat ho na ho
 Phir is janam mein
 Mulakat ho na ho
 
 Lag ja gale ki phir
 Ye hasin raat ho na ho
 
 Paas aaiye ki ham nahin
 Aayenge baar baar
 Bahen gale mein daal ke
 Ham ro le zaar-zaar
 Ankhon se phir ye
 Pyaar ki barsaat ho na ho
 Shayad phir is janam mein
 Mulakat ho na ho
 
 Lag ja gale ki phir
 Ye hasin raat ho na ho
 Shayad phir is janam mein
 Mulakat ho na ho
 Lag jaa gale se

-----------------------------------------

Song : Lag Ja Gale Ki Phir
Movie: Woh Kaun Thi
Singer: Lata Mangeshkar

Fear

"Your biggest source of happiness can be your greatest pain too because then you constantly live in the fear of losing them."

Read something like this a few days back and have been pondering ever since. And every single day i experienced and felt it. There are certain people we love deeply and their mere mention brings a bright smile. But the deeper this feeling the bigger is the fear of loosing them. That constant feeling of not having them around anymore or that heart wrenching thought of them leaving this world or just forgetting you and going away. There is a weird kind of painful feeling that takes over. You love them. You care for them. You adore them. But the fear lingers on at the back of your mind. And that at times makes you behave in unexpected ways. That fear, that pain makes you say things you know are only a passing thought fed by painful thoughts. And the more you let those feelings feed your thought process, the worse it all gets. And before you know that biggest happiness is not part of your life anymore. And that's exactly what i dread the most.
There are just a few people i love deeply and care for. They are my biggest or rather only happiness in life. But I constantly dread loosing them. I live in that fear day in day out. I always doubt that they will leave and go away. It's a vicious cycle. The more you worry the worse it feels. And this eventually reflects in your behavior. Apparently, it has nothing to with your trust in that person. I trust them with my life. I believe what is important here is to not let that fear stop you from loving them as much as you do.

We all need to live with certain amount of fear and faith. I guess they go hand in hand.

How

How do i explain
this silence to my heart
How do i calm
my ever running mind
How do i stop
this soul from feeling
How do i pull myself
together everytime
How do i not miss you
with every shedding tear
How do i not love
when every dream has your smile
That's all what makes life
worthwhile and true
That's what gives faith
someone thinks that way of you too


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© 2016 Life Begins. Please DO NOT COPY