Ever heard of the heartache
That is felt in the bones
Or that choking
Felt in the stomach
Thoughts
That tear the skin.
Or Tiredness
Felt in soul
And Exhaustion
In the brain!
Ponder
And wonder
What, Why...
of life
Of relationships
Of thoughts shared
and those not said
Of emotions felt
Of dreams stitched
Of hopes
and of fears
Of giving up
Or waiting just a little more
Of letting go
Or trying once more
...
Questions not asked
Answers that will never come
“When it comes to my memory there are three categories: things I want to forget, things I can’t forget, and things I forgot I’d forgotten until I remember them.” Excerpt From: Ahern, Cecelia. “The Marble Collector.”
"Things we want to forget"
Are we able to forget things we really want to forget?
Are we able to forget things when we want to?
Doesn't it work opposite?
The more you want to forget something the more it haunts you. The more you want to lock things away in a corner the more they keep popping up in front of you. And in most instances - in the least expected situations, in the most unlikely moments and more often than not from people you would never expect it. It doesn't make it simpler that these are often the most painful things of life.
Ah - Universe and its mysteries!
"Things we can't forget"
Anything which involves deep emotional connect can't be wiped off. Never.
"Things I forgot I’d forgotten until I remember them"
These are usually the good things. Surprise?!? The good happy memories we want to savor every day. The things that keep us going. The things that bring hope. We keep shrugging these away and covering up with the sad ones but NO - we cannot forget them. Universe reminds us of them from time to time. The not-so-positive people like me always give highest attention to the sadness inflicting things. Yet i am reminded of the few happy ones. I can't forget those. I don't want to either.
kyun ruk sa jata hai kabhi kabhi
guzarta waqt
kyun neend aate aate
gayab si ho jati hai kabhi
kyun haathon kee lakeerein
badli badli nazar aatii hein
kyun saath dene wala saaya
saath chor deta hai kabhi
kyun nazar nahi aata chehra
apne hee aaine mein
kyun haath chor dete hein
saath dene ka waada karne wale
kyun raasta achanak
anjaan sa ho jata hai
kyun apne ik din
praaye se lagne lagte hein
kyun apne hee dil tootne
kee awaaz sunayi nahin deti
kyun awaaz bhi pareshan karti hai
aur sannata bhi
kyun sabke beech bhi
akele ho jaate hein hum
kyun sawaal anginat
aur jawab koi nahi...
Jiye ja rahe hein
Teri yaadon mein aise
Aur jaan liye jaaye
Tujhe yaad karna
Kinara karun
Ya tajurba dobara
Yeh dil na hee jaane
Na saansein sambhalein
Isse dard bolun
Ya dil kee gehrayi
Aakhon se jo yun
Chalke ja raha hai
Tujhe yaad karun
Ya yaadein sambhalun
Na jaane ban gayi
Kab yeh aadat hamari
Tu ik baar aaja
Nayi yaadein bana ja
Kuch apni suna ja
Kuch hamari tu sun ja
Har saans ko yun hee
Chala lengay hum phir
Tu hasna sikha ja
Thoda jeena sikha ja
Bas ik baar aaja
Tu ik baar aaja
We humans are so prone to letting everything affect us more than we can ask for. We let other people affect us too deeply. We are afraid to move on. We get stuck. Sometimes we forget that there are way more pages in this book of life. We must flip over to next one. We cannot keep reading the same chapter over and over again and let is continue affecting us. Past cannot be changed or corrected. We need to let it be.
And Why do we feel sorry for things that bring us both happiness and sadness. Yes - it's possible!! Love!!! One of those! Well...!! Let it be. Sorry for feeling happy? Sorry for being loved? Or sorry for loving too much? Sorry for feeling sad for not accepting it? Whatever!!!
We are constantly wondering what is right and what is wrong. Analysing. Stress, unhappiness, overthinking- they all kill us slowly. Me - for sure!!!!!
May be all we need is - for a while - don't think. Don't imagine. Don't wonder. Just Breathe.
tujhe yaad kar kar hum yun hue
na saans aaye na hee dil chale
yun hee aankh beh beh kuch kahe
na subah ho na hee din dhale
yun ajnabi se kab hue
dooriyan kab yun aise hue
zara soch ae mere humsafar
kyun faasle aise badd chale
kaise rah yeh anjaan hue
kaise rishte praaye ho chale
Kya uljhi see hai tumhari bhi ruh
bin maksad, anjaani see
kya dekhte ho tum bhi aati jaani duniya ko
khamosh, bin josh
Kya likhna chahte ho tum bhi
badlon pe apni kahaani
Ik nayi khaani shuru aur ik khatam
aur iss beech mein guzri zindagi..
Kya tum bhi uske maayne dhoondte ho
Bin jaane, bin soche...
kya tum bhi bin alfaaz reh jaate ho
...
Aao mil bethay aaj dost banke!
saaz baaz karein iss ruh ko
kuch tum jaano
kuch hum pehchaane...!
The statement above popped up on my Instagram stories. (Sorry i did't even notice who had posted it :( I got focused on reading)
----------------
In the tiniest of corners
hiding from the time
I lay and wonder
Was it worth a dime
Time moved on
and so did people
Years and years of
gaining and losing
Yet Keeping close
and holding on..
Never Letting go
just carrying on..
The struggle goes on
While the shine is long gone
In the tiniest of corners
I lay and wonder...
"...I am caught between a strong mind and a fragile heart"
It's a very tough place to be in. It hurts like hell and you can only get it if you experience it. No it has nothing to do with anyone else's presence or absence in life. It's like chasing something you are not even sure exists. It's like trying to hold tight some fragrant air. It's like constantly fighting with yourself.
Longing for something which is far from existence. Love so strong and deep that it doesn't let you sleep. The fear of falling asleep and dreaming...
Dreaming of nothingness!
Strong mind keeps pulling you back with all the reasoning and facts. Heart makes you cry and it makes you laugh and at times it makes you embarrass yourself. Its a continuous tug of war.
In all this, I struggle to find my own moment where none of this matters. Why am i obligated to sit back and smile and let everything happening around pile up on me.
Perhaps the problem is not in the depth of love i feel. Its having no control over the intensity of the feeling and no control over who and what i feel that for!
How should i spend my life? Doubting? Questioning? Regretting? Hating? Loving? Braving it all? Ignoring? Letting go?
I know I don't want to get stuck. So i will live on. I know it will get exhausting at times. I would still feel like giving up and will just lie down. But i know i will rise. The love will stay. And the love - however tough & heavy it keeps getting - will keep me alive.
I wonder - often - if I am the only one feeling a certain way - and that too so strongly.
I choose to believe - I am not the only one.
Like that feeling of missing someone or something. Missing so strongly that you want to scream your heart out. I don't know if any pain is involved in that emotion. Its just blank. Probably that void is what makes it worse.
It's that extremely powerful desire to be somewhere or with someone. Perhaps its just that longing for comfort...be it of being at a certain place or with someone close.
----------- I wrote this few days back. And The feeling hasn't ceased to exist as yet. And i have no further words to write. So I will leave it at this.
Tu jaanay na, mere dil ki baatein
Hai tu kahaan, chandani hai raatein
Tu jaanay na, mere dil ki baatein
Hai tu kahaan, chandani hai raatein
Sara jag jaane hai, tu hi na maane hai
Sara jag jaane hai, tu hi na maane hai
Mere dil ki zubaan
Jaane na, jaane na, jaane na, jaane na,
Tu jaanay na, mere dil ki baatein
Raat bhar betha main sochu yahin
Meri zindagi mein tu hai ki nahi
Teri yaad aati hai, dil ko satati hai
Teri yaad aati hai, dil ko satati hai
Ab jaaun main kahaan…
Jaanu na, jaanu na, jaanu na, jaanu na
Tu jaanay na, mere dil ki baatein
Lage sara jag soona soona mujhe
Tere bina zindagi kategi kaise
Lage sara jag soona soona mujhe
Tere bina zindagi kategi kaise
Ab aaja piya na jaye jiya
Ab aaja piya na jaye jiya
Mujhe le chal tu apne jahaan
Jaanu na, jaanu na, jaanu na, jaanu na
Tu jaanay na, mere dil ki baatein
Hai tu kahaan chandani hai raatein
Sara jag jaane hai, tu hi na maane hai
Sara jag jaane hai, tu hi na maane hai
Mere dil ki zubaan…
Jaane na, jaane na, jaane na, jaane na
Jaane na, jaane na, jaane na, jaane na
Weariness with the same old issues that you’ve always had—the same boring flaws and anxieties you’ve been gnawing on for years, which leaves them soggy and tasteless and inert, with nothing interesting left to think about, nothing left to do but spit them out and wander off to the backyard, ready to dig up some fresher pain you might have buried long ago.
Saudade is a word that came from Portuguese, Galician and Spanish. It best describes a deep emotional state of nostalgia and melancholy. It is the extreme longing for an absent something or someone you love. Additionally, saudade usually often carries a repressed knowledge and worries that someone or something may never return.
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"Memory of something with a strong desire for it."
